I’ve been thinking about the following: there’s something interesting about the struggle to accomplish a lofty goal. (To some the goal of running your own indie game studio may not seem that lofty, but it is to me.)
Dealing with the anxiety that comes with uncertainty is an interesting problem. That’s kind of the root struggle with starting something new. There comes a point where you understand the nature of it well enough to have some confidence in what will work and what won’t. But, before you get to that point, there’s doubt and it’s tempting to resolve that by giving up. Very tempting. It’s also a ton of work, but I’ll confess, the work is fun so that’s not a burden.
But, I want this to work. I’ll be proud of myself when I reach the point where I know I can meet my financial need by doing something that I love to do. I believe that the attempt is worthwhile even if the attempt fails.
It’s also interesting to see the reaction of others when you take this kind of risk. From some you get resentment. There are people who disagree with your decision to take a financial and personal risk. They take it to heart. It’s not a passive disagreement. The fact that you are doing something they have decided not to do bothers them. They don’t talk about this with you directly, but you can feel the disapproval.
I feel this from some people. I can tell that if they were frank with me, they would tell me that my decision to stay home and care for my kids and build my business is a failure of character, an abdication of my responsibilities, a quixotic endeavor. They may be right, but I wonder if the feelings that are motivating them are the ghosts of their own abandoned ambitions.
From others admiration. You can feel that certain people have goals, but that they aren’t ready to take the personal risk to attempt to accomplish them. It’s an ego thing. I felt this for a long time. Big aspirations are dangerous, because if you begin an attempt and realize that you aren’t cut out for something, then you can’t afford to hope for it any more. You aren’t willing to give up the fantasy.
I remember feeling very jealous of people who were starting or running their own business. I really wanted to get to know them better, in the hope that some of their courage would rub off on me. I know now that you should listen to jealousy. It’s a signal from your inner self. If you are jealous of someone, start doing whatever it is your jealous of.
Some people come out of nowhere to help you. That was a surprise to me. There’s an energy that comes from ambition, that certain types respond to. They don’t have to know you that well, you tell them your trying to do something difficult, they’ll lend you a hand. I love those people. There’s a camaraderie in the trenches that is kind of beautiful.